I'm demanding tequila dammit!

The desire to push yourself could be especially strong today. This means mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. Try not to give in to this feeling, and instead step back and notice it for what it is: the tendency to be hard on yourself when things are confusing or overwhelming for you. What you really need to do is have a nice cup of tea or a little bit of refreshing exercise and plenty of rest. The urge to push yourself is a way of covering up your true emotions.

This is part of my horoscope today. It could not have been more true. My car just doesn't want to cooperate. My transmission isn't shifting right. I've had to shift manually on an automatic. Not an easy task when having to get places requires using Broadway Extension or I-44. I could tell people were not happy with me. One thing I did learn about driving while in Texas is 'be aware of your own driving and do not cause a problem for other people on the road. People have this misconception about Texas drivers. Bats out of hell, reckless. There were a couple of people I knew who drove like that, but it was nothing more than what almost every Oklahoma driver does. Anyway, back to the story. I've never been scared to drive in OKC, except today. I did not have the ability to get in and out of traffic. I just knew someone would hit me. Luckily, no one did.

On another note, my back is hurting. I went to the doctor last week. He recommended that I have a facet joint rhizotomy. This is a fancy word for 'We want to cauterize this nerve in your back.' So he goes into my back with a radio frequency device and burns the irritated nerve to kill it. By burning the nerve I will not be able to feel anything. Period. I won't feel pain, touch, or any sensation of any kind. My connecting nerves should then replace the burned nerve and heal itself. This 'healing' process could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. 6 months to 2 years without any feelling. No I won't be paralyzed. Yes I'll still be able to feel my leg. Just not the facet joint. Ray's all worried. Mom thinks it's a good idea. I just want it all to be over. I don't want to have to come back after say the 2 years and have it done again or something else done. I WANNA BE NORMAL!!! The nurse did say that I need to pick up how many times I do yoga a week. She says it strengthens your muscles that helps support my bones and bad joints. She also gave me a list of stretches and exercises i have to do every morning. Yay one more thing to add to my day.

This week especially my days are cram packed with boring monotonous crap. I wake up, without an alarm mind you, in time to get up and get a shower and breakfast before I leave. No time to put on clothes or brush my teeth. I go to class. When I leave class I stop at the same Subway, run in get some food to go, get back in my car and drive to work. I eat in between customers. I don't get home until 8:30. By then I'm so exhausted I barely eat dinner and go to bed about 9:30/10 only to start this wretched cycle over again. On my one day off a week, I catch up on homework. But I don't get a day off this week. That's right. I work Monday thu Saturday. It should make for a nice paycheck, and a very drained me. I've never felt more like I wanted to crawl in a hole and dissappear. Tomorrow I have loan training. YAY! Wednesday I have an interview for an assistant manager job at an Edmond branch. I don't know if I want this job at all. However, again, my mother puts me on the spot and says why don't you want to be the best at your job? Because I don't want to be stuck working at a bank for the next 25 years because they paid half way decent when I was 20. The pay still sucks. I have no bills, but without a roommate, I can't afford to move out of my parents' house. Without friends, my choice of roommates is limited to zero. GOOSE EGG!

To make matters worse, I don't even really get spring break off. Yes I don't have class. But as my mother so often points out, I have no friends to go on a trip with , so I might as well work. I'm going to breakdown soon. It's not going to be pretty. In fact, it might be downright shocking, mortifying. I just don't know when it's going to happen. Yeah breakdown or runaway again. (if you don't know what I'm talking about read earlier posts.) I don't know where I'll go this time. Maybe, I'll just bottle all this up for another year and a bit, and just stay in Poland when I go. I hope I don't go crazy before then.

I'm exhausted. Hope your night is better than mine looks to be.
Muah