Saturday Night

pophamstudintex (10:36:13 PM): so what have you been up to
Fosforitattu (10:36:22 PM): working
Fosforitattu (10:36:26 PM): school
Fosforitattu (10:36:29 PM): as always
pophamstudintex (10:36:31 PM): you are so boring
pophamstudintex (10:36:34 PM): get a life

Irony, anyone?

First off, one more clarification.
I keep saying this one for some reason, but......Please do not read so much into what I say here. This is an expression for me. I do not mean to hurt anyone. It is very hard for me to be completely open with people. If I write it, it seems to come easier. Then there are times like these. When I actually have something to say, I try to say it, write it, and people can't just accept it for what it is. There always has to be someone saying it's wrong of me to feel this way, why would I write that, and here's how to fix it. It is not wrong for me to feel a certain way. feelings are never wrong. They are a part of instinct. I began writing this as a way for people I cared about to keep up with my life when I was not in contact with them. It had grown into a sort of journal, diary type of writings. I felt I had opened myself up and was comfortable sharing all my thoughts. But as it goes in life, I shot myself in the foot. So in an effort to protect myself from the pressure and aforementioned comments I will censor, commercialize, and carefully edit any and every post from here on out. Instead of getting real emotion, you will be reading a canned version complete with cheese and corn.

I was planning on writing about my epiphany today....but I believe that would be out of character. It was an epiphany, so I won't likely forget it. So maybe it will be my blockbuster coming soon.

Clarifications and more......

Catchy title huh? Could be a business. 'Have you recently stuck your foot in your mouth? Do you need something you said clarified? Well Clarifications and more has the perfect fit for that whoopsie comment you made yesterday. Come on by tell us what you said and we'll be glad to give you that much needed clarification.' If only.....

As far as yesterday's post goes, people please realize that a lot of things that are said on this blog are exaggerated. No I'm not making the events up, even the reactions are real, just sometimes exaggerated. One more thing....sarcasm is my best friend. It's the only friend I have, so when reading my thoughts please realize that this friend of mine never leaves. So for the next few lines I will attempt to leave sarcasm out of it.

These posts are exaggerated because that is all that is happening in my life. My life is boring. My car and my back make up all the news of my life. Pretty sad huh? (sry, little sarcasm there.) When I complain about my job and I say I am not going to be a banker for my next 20 years, I am met with comments such as 'But don't you want to be the best you can?' No not nessecarily, because I'll end up taking a 50% paycut because I did my best in a job I didn't like and they kept paying me more and more to keep me around til finally my time ran out. Now I'm not able to do anything else. (again, little sarcasm, sry) I would rather be happy than doing my best just for the sake of doing my best. I don't like living at home with my parents. I feel it is a hinderance to my life. I don't feel I can grow as a person and be happy with my self when I'm still needing permission and approvals.

The topic of friends: my father after reading my blog, points out that my brother is doing great, had a big turn around in just 2 months, why this downward turn for me? I don't know. I'm not happy. To be completely honest, with no canned answer, no politically correct sound bite...I moved back because I wanted to spend time with my sister. I was not able to do that in Lubbock and she had flown over 3000 miles to spend with her family in America. The least I could do was to be apart of that family. That is my honest to God reason, not excuse, for moving back. The sound bites I gave everyone were my logical excuses. People could say 'That makes sense.' or 'I can understand that.'
Truely having no friends within a 90 mile radius, I realize I owe an apology to some people in Lubbock. I am sorry for ever doubting my friends there. Of course absense makes the heart grow fonder, at least that's what my fortune cookie said tonight. I have been really thinking about transfering back. Granted with me I'll probably be too scared or talk myself out of it because it's just not logical.

I don't know. I have way too many thoughts spinning in my head I can't type 'em out fast enough. Maybe if I stop trying to vent everything, it will all settle down.

Goodnite. I'm going to cry it out.

I'm demanding tequila dammit!

The desire to push yourself could be especially strong today. This means mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. Try not to give in to this feeling, and instead step back and notice it for what it is: the tendency to be hard on yourself when things are confusing or overwhelming for you. What you really need to do is have a nice cup of tea or a little bit of refreshing exercise and plenty of rest. The urge to push yourself is a way of covering up your true emotions.

This is part of my horoscope today. It could not have been more true. My car just doesn't want to cooperate. My transmission isn't shifting right. I've had to shift manually on an automatic. Not an easy task when having to get places requires using Broadway Extension or I-44. I could tell people were not happy with me. One thing I did learn about driving while in Texas is 'be aware of your own driving and do not cause a problem for other people on the road. People have this misconception about Texas drivers. Bats out of hell, reckless. There were a couple of people I knew who drove like that, but it was nothing more than what almost every Oklahoma driver does. Anyway, back to the story. I've never been scared to drive in OKC, except today. I did not have the ability to get in and out of traffic. I just knew someone would hit me. Luckily, no one did.

On another note, my back is hurting. I went to the doctor last week. He recommended that I have a facet joint rhizotomy. This is a fancy word for 'We want to cauterize this nerve in your back.' So he goes into my back with a radio frequency device and burns the irritated nerve to kill it. By burning the nerve I will not be able to feel anything. Period. I won't feel pain, touch, or any sensation of any kind. My connecting nerves should then replace the burned nerve and heal itself. This 'healing' process could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. 6 months to 2 years without any feelling. No I won't be paralyzed. Yes I'll still be able to feel my leg. Just not the facet joint. Ray's all worried. Mom thinks it's a good idea. I just want it all to be over. I don't want to have to come back after say the 2 years and have it done again or something else done. I WANNA BE NORMAL!!! The nurse did say that I need to pick up how many times I do yoga a week. She says it strengthens your muscles that helps support my bones and bad joints. She also gave me a list of stretches and exercises i have to do every morning. Yay one more thing to add to my day.

This week especially my days are cram packed with boring monotonous crap. I wake up, without an alarm mind you, in time to get up and get a shower and breakfast before I leave. No time to put on clothes or brush my teeth. I go to class. When I leave class I stop at the same Subway, run in get some food to go, get back in my car and drive to work. I eat in between customers. I don't get home until 8:30. By then I'm so exhausted I barely eat dinner and go to bed about 9:30/10 only to start this wretched cycle over again. On my one day off a week, I catch up on homework. But I don't get a day off this week. That's right. I work Monday thu Saturday. It should make for a nice paycheck, and a very drained me. I've never felt more like I wanted to crawl in a hole and dissappear. Tomorrow I have loan training. YAY! Wednesday I have an interview for an assistant manager job at an Edmond branch. I don't know if I want this job at all. However, again, my mother puts me on the spot and says why don't you want to be the best at your job? Because I don't want to be stuck working at a bank for the next 25 years because they paid half way decent when I was 20. The pay still sucks. I have no bills, but without a roommate, I can't afford to move out of my parents' house. Without friends, my choice of roommates is limited to zero. GOOSE EGG!

To make matters worse, I don't even really get spring break off. Yes I don't have class. But as my mother so often points out, I have no friends to go on a trip with , so I might as well work. I'm going to breakdown soon. It's not going to be pretty. In fact, it might be downright shocking, mortifying. I just don't know when it's going to happen. Yeah breakdown or runaway again. (if you don't know what I'm talking about read earlier posts.) I don't know where I'll go this time. Maybe, I'll just bottle all this up for another year and a bit, and just stay in Poland when I go. I hope I don't go crazy before then.

I'm exhausted. Hope your night is better than mine looks to be.
Muah

good pic taken awhile ago 

First to start off, I hate Valentine's Day. Every other day of the year I don't think anything of me being single and not having met the love of my life. But on this one day set aside for those who have been struck by that little flying freak, I can't help but feel inadequate. I'm not the type of person that feels like that. I normally exude confidence. My cousin in an attempt to make me feel better told me that all the cool gals are last to settle. Aww...gee thanks. I'm over it now. I've had my chocolate, and Tech beat Kansas, so I'm happy.

I went to Stillwater last weekend for Chad's 21st. Lemme tell ya. It was hilarious. Drunken stupors. Happy drunks. Sloppy drunks. Drunks in general. I believe the Jones Jots would read: "Elyse Poland traveled to Stillwater this weekend to join her brother, Cole and others for Chad Lattin's 21st birthday party. Karaoke and a cookout commenced. A good time was had by all." I canot wait for my 21st.

This Saturday Tech plays at OSU. Chad was going to let me have his ticket to go to the game. But of course, I have to work during the game. So another great ballgame I get to miss.

Mom and Dad are going out of town this weekend. Going to Dallas for some sort of Kiwanis deal. I get the house to myself. It would be the makings of a great weekend, if I had anybody to share it with. The only friends I got in this state are in Stillwater. That's an hour away. Maybe I'll make some friends someday.

I've been thinking about changing my major too. I'm not sure what to, but I'm know I'm just not gung-ho about what I'm doing. I know what I don't want to do. That helps me out a little bit, bit I'm still asking myself that proverbial question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I've thought about teaching. But I don't get excited about that either. So for now I keep on the same path and continue with communications.

Ok so in my comm theory class, my professor has decided to give us a quiz every single day instead of only Fridays. So now I can't be even a minute late. This change in quizzes helps me tho. I need the extra opportunity for more grades.

Applications for the Amazing Race are available now. Wish me luck.

It's Friday!!!!

First off, Happy Birthday Chad!!!!!

So today went pretty smoothly but yesterday is what I really want to talk about. Yesterday I had like 12 billion hours between class and work so I did a little bit of shopping. You know finish off those christmas gift cards and stuff. Well. I stopped in Victoria Secret just cause. I didn't plan on buying anything. I mean I never do anyway. And for those who know me, know I'm fairly small on top. If you haven't been privy to that information, now you know. Back to the story, the promotion that was being advertised was Be Fitted. I thought ok why not I have the time. So I'm led back to the fitting rooms and Michelle fits me. My arms are out and she asks so what size do you normally wear? A B, maybe C. I look at her like your crazy. I laughed actually. Then said "no, an A." Then he looked at me lik I was crazy. She proceded to say that I think you're going to like the fit of a B. Would you like to try some on. Yeah sure, you're smoking something lady. So I try 'em on. I'M A B!!!! I started jumping up and down and dancing in my bra and pants in the fitting room. The ladies at Victoria Secret completely made my day...hell, my week. I bought a bra. And signed up for a credit card. They probably would've been able to sell me a lot more too. I was too excited to think rationally. And i'm not the type of girl that gets excited over shopping or anything of the sort. Then I got to work and my daddy had bought me flowers and brought 'em by the bank. Now I don't have to send myself flowers.

I must go....the festivities of the night await me. The light of the dawn is nowhere to be seen yet fast approaching. I shall see it before I see you....so good day, and enjoy the beautiful weather.

As sand thru the hour glass....

Another beer before happy hour to put me in the mood for drinking...aahhhh. Forget thinking.

2 more days to Chad's big shindig in stillwater. I thought I had Sat at work covered. Bryce was cool with switchin ok. Then my manager said well bryce has to have of sometime this week can't get overtime or something. so that only leaves one person to open fri......not good at a bank. So in order for me to have Sat off to recover from fri night, I have to open on fri and miss classes. All for one party. So.......there's my dilemma.

I watched a TIVO'd Oprah today. Will Smith was promotin his new movie. While I watched him I kept tellin myself, "that is Cole if he would get rid of those stupid insecurities." Did ya hear me? Funny, smart, mature(well getting there), very good-looking even with the big ass ears. And Cole he has the money and Hot Wife. There ya go.

Again, it was one of those days were I made a mental note of everything I wanted to say with the intention of writing it all down and I've forgotten it all. Any more if Idon't write it down, I forget. Even then I forget. You'd think I was old or something. Well, if ya know me ya know I already act like I'm 30 going on 80.

Don't get me started on the moving out apt hunting side of the week.

Good nite, I'm tired.

My Job

I must say that for what I'm being paid my job isn't that bad. I enjoy who I work with. Josh and Kristi (who has by now left) informed me of the kick. The kick is code for Hottie Walking by or Hottie customer. Well, I had one customer that was obviously a couple years older than me but definately worthy of a kick. So I kicked. He looked at me smiled this knowing smile and walked away. After he left he said That was johnny he and I made up the kick. Great. So now Johnny omes by our branch quite often and will kick the counter very obviously so I raise my head. By the way Johnny is 33. He looks 24.



For some reason these last couple of days have shown an interesting light on my place of employment.

I guessed what started this whole school of thought was the day my manager got bitched out for me, as well as the whole branch being racist. I had asked for this older black lady's ID to do something for her. Say thank you and give it back to her. Felicia my manager is next to me helping a Middle Eastern customer that she knows very well. She does not ask for his ID. This older black man goes straight to Josh. Josh is 26 but looks 35. The only male working at that point in time. This fella asks Josh "are you the manager, I need to talk to you." He is not. Felicia is. that's what he tells him. So our lovely customer comes to me and I just point to Felicia. I know I would not be able to remember CFB training if I had to deal with him. He proceeds to bitch her out for me scrutinizing his wife's ID while she let some white guy get by w/out her even asking for ID. Here is where I say I was "scrutinizing" her ID because it was the old lamenated paper w/ small print and I am almost legally blind. These are the kind of people that I have a problem w/. He so strongly criticized us for our predjudices while he himself went to a man assuming he was the manager.

Slowly after this I began to see that my buddy Josh really feels like the only reason my assistant got her job was because he stepped down. Or if I ask once for help on something, I can't learn from watching and seeing it done and I need help everytime. If my printer is out of tape and I don't get to roll changed correctly on the first time, then I won't get it done at all.

Since I was called a racist I've been very attentive to what our customers were saying trying to make small talk. There was a lot of "You girls did a nice job decorating," then go to Josh to take care of business. Then there's my favorite. Such beautiful young ladies, of course you can help me.(then I have an excuse to pay more than needed attention to you(your chest)) I went to do aisle time on Mon or sometime and I have to wear this apron that says Arvest across the chest. Very clearly. It nevers fails that Ihave people stop me and ask if I know where this is located. Lucky for them, I have Walmart pretty much memorized and they can't hear what I'm thinking. They obviously can't read Arvest. This last time I was squatted down reading cards. Sitting on my heals and some middle age man bends over obviously looking down my shirt and when I look up to ask "can I help you with something?" he responds "O that doesn't say Walmart." No it doesn't.

Tuesday I had a stalker. I mean I was scared. This creepy old man kept walkin in front of the bank. If I was trying to greet(stand out front and be friendly) He would get just a little too close for comfort. I started to go to the back cause I was seriously scared. If I saw him I just dropped out of sight, hid. I ended up going and getting walmart security to just tail him for a while.
I have never felt like an object more than I have this week. Every greasy, slimeball that walked by was sure to let me know they like what they saw. Thanks because I do this specifically for you. Go ahead and whistle and gawk. That sure makes me feel special. Although there was one greasy guy that same day that had a genuine sincere compliment. Thank you. At least there was one that was raised right.

Well, I'm gonna try and sleep.
Goodnite. Muah!